dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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