I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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