my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
