I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
