Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
