yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
