I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
