It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
