I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
