i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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