Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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