I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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