Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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