I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
