i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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