my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
