got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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