good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
