im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
