despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
