I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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