hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
