I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
