this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize