My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
