Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have tasted many bathrooms
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
