I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
