his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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