You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Drake has all the answers
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
