also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
