based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
