I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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