I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
