So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
