remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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