I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize