She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
