Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All I want is dick and wine.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
