can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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