6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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