Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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