I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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