i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
