Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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