You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
