So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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