Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
