Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
