just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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