i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
