There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I had to cum in my sink.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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