The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
