Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize