I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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