so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
