Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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