I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
