i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize