I just threw up on my dentist
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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