Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
