I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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