I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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