Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
