So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
