I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
